Nightmares

He lays there with his eyes open

And the lights on

He cannot close his eyes and dream

For he has only nightmares.

You made him question his safety in his bed

His safety with his family

And his safety in himself 

But you did not win.

When he wakes up in the morning

He embraces the day

He runs into my room with that smile

Knowing the night is done

And he had another safe night

See, you can't take the hope from my child

You could never take it from me

I beat you with my love and optimism

And he has beat you with his

Now we are gone and we are safe

And you are watching your back

As your nightmares will only get worse

While ours only get better. 

Questions

What made you do it?

When did you do it?

At one point I was an infant child,

looking at you.

Needing you.

Was it then? 

Did you touch me then?

Was it when I was 5 years old

and my mom was in the hospital with cancer

Did you touch me then?

Or was it just my sister?

When did you feel it was wrong?

When I was old enough to remember?

Or was it when I was too old for your liking?

What is your cut off?

I look at my body and I see old scars

where cuts once were.  

I look at them and I used to not care where they came from

but now that's all I think about.

Did you give me that scar? 

Was I misbehaving that day?

I was assaulted when I was 17

and I don't remember the rape because of the trauma that you put me through.

I always wondered since I was 17 what happened to my body

when I wasn't in it.

Now, all I can think of is what happened to my body,

since the day I was born.

What a way to live your life,

not knowing what your own body has seen.

Oh, if the walls could talk...

You would be in prison and my family would be safe.

Phoenix

I will never smile seeing you walk through the door again
My heart no longer sings a song for you
The memories you gave me are all tainted
Such a perfect childhood,
just erased.

You betrayed me,
and even worse you used my kind heart against me
You touched my sister,
you touched me,
worst of all, you touched my children.
Then you made me forget
with all the grooming you fed me
I am sick.

I am sure you laugh at how stupid I was
How you fooled me all those years
30 years you fooled me
God, how stupid am I?

You raised me to be anxious and scared.
Then you used my nervous tics as jokes.
You put a weight on me so I could never fly
While you had your birdhouses out the window
So I could imagine freedom.

Well soon I will be gone
Far away
Where you cannot get me.
I will save myself and my family
like I should've done years ago.

I cannot save the memories for my sister or myself,
But I can sure as Hell stop you from tarnishing my child's memories
I will protect them from you,
I will protect them from the cycle.
They will feel what a true parent's love is like,
without your sickening 'love'

I am a Phoenix.
I shall rise from the ashes you put me in.